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Save your marriage in 2 minutes a day

Maintaining connection

Do you feel like you're drifting apart?

Couples often lead such busy lives that they don't take time to share and really be together. Even if they carve out date nights, doing things like going to the movies or out with friends doesn't give them a renewed sense of knowing and loving each other. Time for themselves as friends and lovers gets pushed to the end of the to-list that, of course, never has an end. Without this personal connection, minor annoyances can turn into huge arguments. Yet, with it, minor annoyances are just that -- minor.

relationships take work

But if you do a little bit every day, it won't be such a painful chore.

Here's an exercise I created many years ago to help couples build in this special time for themselves, even with hectic daily schedules. It takes two minutes, which really can be squeezed into any day. And, when put into perspective (preparing for a divorce takes a lot longer), it's very doable. The exercise is called "ITS." In the story below, you'll see how ITS got its name.
After 13 years of marriage, Jacob and Eliza have become compatible housemates and marginally compatible co-parents to their three sons. They both work; they have their own interests they share with friends. They go out together as a family; they go out with other couples.
What, you may ask, is the problem? They rarely spend time together, just the two of them. And when they do, as Eliza says, "We usually talk about the kids, work, politics -- nothing personal."
On the surface, it looks like Jacob and Eliza have a relatively good marriage. The only real problem, as Eliza implies, is they've grown distant. They don't talk about anything personal or loving. They don't talk about their wishes or fears for the future, their dreams, or their love and affection. Their unresolved arguments leave bitterness; their unexpressed anger builds up. Without the loving conversations, there is no balance for the negative feelings -- and that can erode a marriage.

How ITS works

I designed an exercise to help them reconnect in a way that allowed them to safely express their feelings -- positive and negative. Here's how it works, and what they did.

Get in position

"Sit together on a sofa or bed, with both of you facing the same direction. That means one of you is facing the other's back. Let's say that you, Jacob, are IT first. Eliza, you sit with your arms around Jacob's waist. Jacob, for two minutes, you get to talk; you can say anything you want. Eliza, you can't respond. You just hold him."

Share your thoughts and feelings

"Since she can't see your face, Jacob, and she can't say anything, you can tell her anything you want. It might be something she did that angered or hurt your feelings; it might be a funny story that happened at work; it might be a memory from childhood. Or, you could just sit quietly and feel her arms around you. You can use those two minutes any way you want. You have a captive audience who won't walk away and who can't talk back."

No feedback

"When the time is up, neither of you are to talk about it. On another day, switch. This means, Eliza, that Jacob holds you now while you use your two minutes any way you want. Make sure each of you has at least one turn during the week; if you both want a second (or third) round, go for it. But remember, no more than two minutes. And no matter what the other says, you can't talk about it afterward."

This is not foreplay

"Oh, and one more thing: Regardless how you both feel, this exercise is not to lead to love-making. If you want to do that, do it at some other time."

The results

The power of being heard

The following week, Jacob and Eliza came into the office saying, "We did our ITS. We named the exercise ITS because we were always asking who wants to be IT tonight."
They then described how it felt doing the exercise. Jacob said, "We flipped a coin for who was to go first. I won. It was amazing. I was anxious. So, to get started, I talked about how good it felt having her arms around me. We seldom do that any more. That led to my telling her I'm angry when I come home and she's busy with dinner, the kids, the phone (which never stops); she can't find time to greet me. I anticipated she would defend herself, but she was silent. As I absorbed the silence, I was reminded how I felt when I was little and came home from school. Mom was never there. It's the same loneliness I feel with Eliza. I had never made that connection before. I shared all this with her."
He grinned. "It's been great since then, because Lizzy has called out a loving hello to me each night when I come home, even if she's busy with something else. But the really best part was how lovely it was to have her hold me -- with nothing expected from me in return. I don't know what it means, but to receive without having to give anything first was really, well… 'wonderful' is too weak a word for something so special."

The power of undivided attention

Eliza was smiling. "What he was asking for was not so difficult, as long as he respected I might not always be able to be gracious with my 'hello.' I loved the exercise, too, but for a totally different reason. Despite what he thinks, I spend so much time thinking about how to please him and how to say something that won't annoy him. But when I was IT, and he was holding me, I could say anything I wanted without worrying about his reaction. I couldn't see him, so that really freed me.
"The ITS didn't offer any new insights for me. What was best, though, was I had his undivided attention. Usually, I tell him things while he's reading or playing the computer or watching TV. He never just sits and listens to me. When I was IT, it didn't matter what I said; I knew he was listening. That was special."

The power of connection

Jacob and Eliza looked at each other, sharing a gentle smile. Eliza says, "We love being both the holder and the holdee."
Jacob added, "We want to keep doing our ITS. Hope you don't mind."
Over the years, I have silently thanked Eliza and Jacob many times for naming this exercise that has given such pleasure and satisfaction to so many couples.

Tags: Advice , Love , Romance